Joon Joon

good grief & the color yellow

finding my way through grief

Finding the good in grief after a loved one passes seems impossible at first. Grief in general is complicated and will be unique depending on the relationship. For me, it was dark and heavy in the beginning. In time, more time then I think society acknowledges, I made friends with my grief. Instead of carrying it like a burden, I carried it like a companion.

If there was a picture to capture what my journey through grief looked like, it would be this one taken by Kelly Calvillo. Equal parts beauty and melancholy. An endless chase searching for my connection with my dad. Clouded by the pain of losing him, yet surrounded with beautiful memories and gratitude for the time we had together.

My father was known to be a funny man. He and I had an inside joke about the color yellow. Once anyone had an inside joke with him, he’d find a way to bring it up almost every conversation.  For years when I’d show him a new painting he’d say, “where’s the yellow” or “you know what would be nice, some yellow.” I knew one day I’d paint yellow flowers in honor of him and his sense of humor, but I also knew I had some healing to do.

It took 9 months after his death for me to feel ready to work with yellow. Mentally strong enough to go there creatively. It was blissful at times and heartbreaking at others. After 8 months of exploring on several canvases and countless variations I found my way to Minoo and Shokoufeh. Minoo meaning like heaven and Shokoufeh meaning blossom in Farsi. Never in my life has it taken me so long to finish a painting. Like carving through my grief. I kept reminding myself of how I want the paintings to feel. Lush, soft, gentle, angelic. Like heaven. Like a hug from him.

Photo by Kelly Calvillo

Photo by Kelly Calvillo

I anticipate recreating portraits of Minoo and Shokoufeh throughout my life. I stand in front of them feeling triumphant conquering the hardest chapter in my life, wiser from what the darkness has taught me, and most of all loved from my father, my guardian angel.

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